Whoever said that we should live without regret was probably right. But there are a lot of things that 'we' should probably all do that aren't really possible. I believe it is impossible to live without regret. And in certain situations, it's just plain selfish. Guilt may be counter-productive... but I think sometimes we deserve to feel guilty. Kaylen would probably slap me for believing this, but I do.
I have been a monumental screw-up. I have wasted time, I have made poor decisions, I have done what felt good in the moment when I knew I should have held out for what would be best for me in the long run. I have been indecisive. I have been idle. I have been impulsive. I have been scared. And all of these things I regret because, as a result, I am now five days away from being 26 and I am not as successful or happy or well-read or traveled or knowledgeable as I should be. It is inexcusable really. I am an intelligent person. I am articulate and insightful. These things are all gifts of which I have been unforgivably wasteful. It's pathetic and I pretty much feel like a giant loser. Why am I not done with school? Why have I never run a marathon? Why have I not done more volunteering? Why do I have a job that I don't care about one way or another and not a job that actually helps people, or is challenging? I regret everything I have done or not done that has lead me to this point. Mid-twenties, and very little to show for it. It would be easy to say that I put my ambitions on hold so that I could be a supportive wife. I did. But that's not really all of it. I still don't clearly know what my ambitions are. So I settled for being supportive of someone else's ambitions. Which didn't seem like that much of a sacrifice because... well, at least he has clear ambitions. Amazing ambitions. It was so easy to just be proud of him. I am still proud of him. I figured that I would eventually realize what mine were, and then he could play the supportive role while I pursued them. This was so unfair to both of us. This entire mess is my fault.
I regret all of that a lot. Which is self-indulgent and doesn't serve any purpose and I should really just knock it off and start chipping away, little bits at a time, at the mountain of shit I have to do to correct it. And I can do that. All of these aforementioned regrets, I can leave behind, eventually.
But there are bigger regrets here. And more of them. Because of what was happening while I was standing still and not moving forward. I fell in love with someone. More love than I had ever known in my life. And I was so passionate about it, so sure, so overwhelmed and excited and relieved (because I never thought it would happen. ever.) and so fucking HAPPY... how could he have resisted me? I fell first, but I knew it was a matter of time. I knew I would be irresistible in all my... ridiculous, giddy fucking bliss. So it didn't matter that we had nothing in common. It didn't matter that we wanted totally different things. We could have both! We could conquer anything! My sense of invincibility was infectious. So we ran with it.
And now here we are. Five years later. I was wrong. All of the wonderful things that he is don't make him right for me. And I know that even if he can't see it now, all of the selfish things that I am don't make me right for him. What kind of woman wouldn't be happy with what I had? What kind of woman couldn't fall in love again with a man like him? I was trying to cling to what had once been between us... and he never lost it. I lost it. And then I left. And when I think now about what I know this has done to him I feel a regret so wide and deep that it does not seem to have an end.
I know that we weren't right together. I hope that I did the right thing for both of us. Finally. But that in no way makes me feel like I deserve to leave behind the regret for my part in causing this. To live without regret for causing the epic train-wreck of his life (up until this point at least)? I would want to punch someone who could just move past causing this much hurt without a monumental struggle. I would take all of his pain. ALL of it. I would bear it upon my own heart until it was completely spent, if I could. I would see him become the amazing man he is well on his way to being, unencumbered by grief. I would take all of it back if there was some way that I could. I would remove my poisonous presence entirely from the chronicle of his life.
I am FULL of regret. And I am not ready to let go of it.
